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cool bike shit for the discerning cyclist


// Muc-Off Dry Shower              

We used to call it a scally shower when after gym class you swapped washing your body and just hosed yourself down in Lynx. Africa was our musk of choice.

And this from Muc-Off is basically that but with actual anti-bacterial qualities rather than just a full on pungent aroma you could smell at 100 paces.

Derived from that famous cleaning product, the coconut (no idea) it is formulated to kill the odour causing germs and is ph nuetral. Perfect if after a race you want to actually make it into the bar with out needing a cordon and there is no wash room. Ot its cold. Or you can’t be bothered etc. It comes in handy 50ml size or if you are the size of a house it also comes in a 200ml vat.

Spray it on, leave it to dry, then wipe it off and you will have members of the opposite sex swarming all over you. Oh hang on thats Lynx.

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// Knog - Milkman              

The Milkman always knocks twice. Or at least he did before supermarkets started squeezing dairies and put them out of business. Now the only thing they knock is whiskey. Straight back mixed with nothing but resentment and tears. And some semi skimmed.

Which is total bollocks, but they are still back now though in the form of a cafe lock from the Australian Light/Lock Lotharios Knog. I’m not overly sure Knog are actual lotharios but I was stuck in an alliteration splurge.

Its compact enough to fit in a pocket on a ride. Its not the worlds safest lock as you’d guess but it will stop people just deciding that your bike would make a nice addition to their lives and making off with it with security features such as 6.5mm stainless steel locking shield and a braided steel/fibre core crush cable that will frustrate bolt cutters. For a bit.

The 90cm cable retracts in to the main housing so should go round a few bikes and your head and you can get the Milkman in 4 different colours.

Unfortunately one of the colours isn’t semi skimmed.

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// Rapha - Kings of Pain Essentials Case              

“Rapha, it’s just over priced tat for toss pots who like to pose in coffee shops more than they actually like riding their bikes and have great hair even after taking off their helmets”

The above statement is true. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to own every item Rapha make, including that weird parachute material coat thing that was approximately 5 billion pounds or something.

What you get here for dropping your pants and taking one in the bank account is a high quality leather essentials case with bound seams and a satin zip lining. And satin is the material that high flying womanising business men use for their sheets. Learnt that from Pretty Woman.

It’s not waterproof but it is embossed with some logos that denote the suffering of some of the most famous cyclists in history, and that’s much more useful than keeping stuff dry. It’s big enough to take spare inner tube; tyre levers; gas cylinder; reasonably sized multi-tool or mobile phone and also has a credit card slip pocket.

Now admittedly its £45 ($65) and a bread bag is free but then my mate recently lost 2 £20 notes out of his pocket on a ride. If he’d had one of these he’s only needed to have lost 5 more pounds to have made it worth while, ish.

The irony of not having any money left after buying this is not lost on me. Actually it is.

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// Patchnride              

Punctures are like haemorrhoids. They are both an unavoidable byproduct of riding a bike as well as being a massive pain in the ass. Zing.

So it was only a matter of time till someone came up with a way of dealing with them that didn’t involve busted fingers, 7 tyre levers and every swearword you know. The Patchnride is a fairly ingenious invention that makes all that a thing of the past, that admittedly took me about 10 minutes to fully understand how it works. Not that this makes it complicated, just proves my boneheadedness.

The simple explanation is that when tyre armageddon happens and you get that deflating feeling, then you jab the tool into the hole (having located it using the leak detector – basically a wet cloth you wipe onto the tyre, the bubbling area is the puncture) rotate it, slide the slider and lo, fixed is the inner tube and after some righteous pumping you are back on your way.

The more complicated explanation is here –

The Patchnride will fix all tyres from road tubulars and clinchers (in fact its best application as it means you don’t have to rip them apart and re-glue every time you flat) to MTBs and even pram wheels. Basically anything with an inner tube.

Currently on pre-order but ready to ship pretty soon and it’s small enough that you can sling it in a back pocket or bike bag.

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// Shinola - The Runwell Contrast Chrono              

Now I’m no horologist, I mean I don’t even know what star sign I am, but I do like a nice watch.

Shinola is one of a number of companies that has risen Phoenix like out of the ashes of the Detroit car industry, and has employed that now redundant technical skills base to start making beautiful bicycles and bike related ephemera.

That aforementioned ephemera mainly consists of leather goods and homegrown watches. And they are pant droppingly nice.

Trying to work out which is the best I’d say is like choosing between your kids, but I only have one so I can’t relate to that. Unless it’s a choice of kids OR bike in which case someone better have the number for social services. I’m joking of course. I think a formal email is much better in those scenarios.

The Runwell Chrono is powered by a Detroit-built Argonite 5030 high-accuracy quartz movement which sounds ace although I have no idea what it actually means means. It also comes with a scratch-resistant sapphire crystal, stainless steel case, and leather NATO watch strap embossed with the Shinola name and a lightning bolt. The watch is “proudly manufactured” in the USA and if you really like to get to know the people who sweated over your time piece then you can see pictures of them on the Shinola website. Which I felt was a bit like leafing though a catalogue of the moribund looking animals that zoos try and guilt you into sponsoring.

The Shinola watches are not on the cheap side but they are amazing quality and even if they aren’t you get a life time guarantee.

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// Clug              

I’ve been called many things in my life, but never a Clug. Or possibly I have and I either misheard them or it was behind my back.

The Clug isn’t an insult, but it is the worlds smallest bikes rack that involves one piece that drills into the wall using just 2 screws. It seems so simple that anyone can do it, but they haven’t yet seen my prowess with a drill. I’m prepared to test this theory for them and then pay my own taxi to hospital to have my arm stitched back on.

It works as a “hug for your bike” – and by that rather nebulous phrase I mean it clips onto your tyre so you can get your steed out of the way. Either upright or stood up; wherever you feel it keeps it out of the way the best. The Clugs come in 3 sizes, 23 – 28mm for road bikes, 32 – 47mm for hybrids or 1.75 – 2.5” for MTBs. That should cover all eventualities unless you are riding a fatbike, but then as we know all fatbike riders are perverts who live in shacks so why would you need to keep it out of the way anyway?

It was funded though a super successful Kickstarter campaign and they are currently in pre-order mode so if you want one get signed up now.

Oh and if you actually own a 3d printer then you can get the digital file and produce it yourself, like you are George Jetson or something.

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// POC - DO Blade Sunglasses              

Like it or not the sunnies that you wear say a lot about what sort of cyclist you are. Some say “serious, unsmiling power machine” Some say “free wheeling lothario” These say “fabulous terminator”

As used by the Garmin Sharp Team the POC DO Blades are by far not the cheapest on the market. In fact you might have to raffle off your first born to afford a pair, but if you want something that is technically super and a bit different then child number 1 might need to pack a suitcase.

The frames are sports specific so are both light and tough and the lenses they come with are a violet hue that works for road cycling conditions, so you can spot holes, gravel and road irregularities. They have anti-fog and repel treatments that will tell fog, dirt and grime to do one. Water will also pearl off so not only can you wear them on a stormy ride you can also wear them to a sexy water fight. Lenses are swappable and there are some great options, but they are sold separately so child number 2 might also need to get ready for a new career working down the mines

Rubber inserts keep the glasses in on the ears while the nose piece, also made of rubber, is adjustable for those of us with a larger proboscis.

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// Vittoria - Open Corsa SC              

Tyres are lot like trousers. If you leave the house without them you will get some odd looks. If you live near a school you might end up in custody.

At the same time you don’t want to be leaving the house in just any old trousers. They have to be well constructed trews that can withstand anything the day throws at them, don’t puncture, roll well whilst also looking good…. look this analogy makes no sense.

The Open Corsa’s are tyres that have been used by a number of race winning teams in pro cycling. Alot of how good a tyre is depends on the Tpi apparently. Tpi stands for threads per inch – Continental GP 4000s have 110. Schwalbe Ultremo ZX have127. The Vittoria Open Corsa Evo CX have 320. They have a redesigned tread for extra grip whilst retaining great rolling ability.

These are the clincher versions and come in both 23cm and 25cm widths. The most important part though is that with their open wall design you get a winner retro look. And lets be honest, chicks dig sexy tyres and that’s all males care about. That and good trousers.

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// Brooks - Cambium C17 Saddle              

The Money Maker. Hot Buns. Mr Hotdogs special place. Whatever you call your bottom you have to put it somewhere on a bike and sometimes you want that resting place to not look like its stepped out of a period drama nor an S&M dungeon. This falls somewhere in between those 2 pillars.

Brooks are well known for their heritage leather goods and this is a racier version of their iconic B17 organic leather club-seat cum saddle.

Made from vulcanised rubber and organic cotton its designed to be maintenance free and waterproof, just in case you over do the energy drinks. Or it rains. Or something.

It has a thin layer of structural textile for added resilience, comes in either natural or slate colours and if you are of the female variety of human then there is a C17s which is slightly shorter. I didn’t concentrate in biology so I have scant idea of how this helps the ladies downstairs areas.


Have googled “Ladies downstairs areas” & “Saddles” and I think I now know.

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// Park Tool Co.- Cyclone Chain Scrubber              

A bike chain is a lot like a pair of underpants. They tend to get clagged with dirt, grease and general detritus which then needs sorting out. Sometimes though you just can’t be bothered with the hassle.

Now unfortunately I can’t help you with your grunts beyond a diagram on how to burn moist cotton, but Sweetbikes can point you in the direction of a way to sort out that disgrace of a thing connecting your pedals to your cassette.

The Cyclone Chain Scrubber does just what it says. It scrubs your chain using a series of rotating brushes to get it sparkling. It also keeps all of the contaminates off once its washed due to a magnet at bottom of solvent reservoir that draws particles scrubbed away from the freshly laundered chain.

It works with all multi speed bikes and some single speeds and a bit like that guy in the park with the wild look in his eyes, the Cyclone will also hold 2 fluid ounces of solvent.

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// SOS Rehydrate              

The mysteries of what goes into the bidons of the Pros is a closely guarded secret. I have heard rumours that some of the more successful ones use a mixture of unicorn tears and amyl nitrate. I’d be up for trying it if only I could get that damn unicorn to cry.

So until I can get it to watch the end of ‘Marley and Me’ I tend to go for something like this. Endorsed by the Be-golded sailor Ben Ainslie and the WHO (and thats the World Health Organisation, not the band that did Pinball Wizard, although I’m sure they would like it as well) SOS Rehydrate has 5 times the amount of electrolytes as normal vitamin water. Reason it gets the WHO nod is it’s apparently comparable to an IV drip in the treatment of mild to moderate dehydration. Means if you are anything like me and turn into a sweaty mess when the road points even fractionally upwards that is a damn good thing.

Oh and if you like beer, cider, wine or even a pint of Taboo/Mirage at the end of a ride then this will also work wonders on your hangover. Fact.

If you’re currently a little parched reading this then if you buy either SOS Rehydrate Blueberry or Citrus now it’s on offer for a price of £8 for five packs

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// Fix It Sticks              

And lo, the Almighty creator of the Heavens and Earth spoke unto Moses upon the top of mount Sinai.

“Moses… hear me as I speaketh to you. Shit will break, like all the time. I was creating this thing called a duck billed platypus and this one bit just kept snapping off. It was mightily annoying so I had to bodge it. I have given man freewill so at some point in the next few millennia one of my children creates something handy so I don’t run into this on Earth 2”

True story that. Which is why a guy in America invented the Fix It Sticks. The cunningly titled ‘Fix it Sticks’ is a multi tool that will fit almost any nut on your bike but has the stability and function of a fixed hand wrench.

It debuted in the battlegrounds of Kickstarter and is now out there to buy – Made from steel in the USA, they have magnets in the ends so that annoying thing when the end drops off doesn’t happen and also when they fit together they stay nice and connected.

Comes with 8 bits: 2mm, 2.5mm, 3mm, 4mm, 5mm, 6mm, Phillips #2, Torx 25 all packed into a recycled innertube case.

And if you were wondering of the credentials of the guy who invented it, well rest assured in the fact he has a moustache, a really bushy Blue Oyster Club number, and his name is Brian. What more CV does he need?

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// Cinelli - Barry McGee Water Bottles              

Street art is pretty much everywhere you go. From Banksy and his near global domination to Obey t-shirts, so you might as well get on the Zeitgeist and drink street art as well in the latest Cinelli collaboration.

Barry McGee was part of the San Francisco Bay Graffiti scene in the early 90’s. Like most counter culture heroes he’s now rinsing money out of the establishment and why the hell not. “Selling out” is a pointless insult and anyways I always find the well known phrase of “sticks and stones may break my bones but buying a Porsche off selling some work I knocked up 10 minutes ago” holds true in most situations.

You get 2 different styles of bottle by McGee. You can either drink from a happy if unripe looking orange motif or a weird “sip me and I’ll haunt your family for a generation, have you not seen Poltergeist?” Red Indians one.

Or you can drink neither and try putting it on the wall. Nails not included.

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// Henty - Wingman              

Sometimes it becomes unavoidable that you’ll have to get off your bike and engage in turning tricks for money, and sometimes those tricks involve wearing a suit.

So if you have to wear the aforementioned cloth prison you may as well transport it in style. The Wingman is designed to take one suit or a couple of blouses and due to its semi-rigid rib design (ribs made from 100% recycled plastic, eco warriors) it restricts the diameter of the suit bag when rolled, minimising garment creases, making sure you are smarter than the kid of a single mother in a romantic comedy.

It comes with a buffet of features such as a large external pocket for ephemera, a removable 13 inch laptop pouch, high viz waterproof rain jacket, stabilisation strap for cycling or walking and so on.

You can have it in standard or compact size and has 4 colourways including lavender. You know, just in case you needed something lavender. It also comes with a heavy duty gym bag, so once you have finished shaking your money maker you can go and cry it out with some mirror work at the local pain emporium.

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// On a Sixpence - LA MAGIA DELLA MAGLIA ROSA              

Of the few things I took away from school other than the ability to make aerodynamically superior paper planes, was the talent for recounting the first 20 items on the Periodic Table of Elements. Why? Cause if you could do that you got a Marathon bar. Reward based training in action right there kids.

So with that unneeded insight into my school days and the more pertinent fact that the 97th Giro D’Italia has just got under way this seems like a fine time to feature this piece of wall candy. The elements of the original periodic table are removed and replaced with the winners of each Giro from the first race in 1909 up to Ryder Hesjedal’s in 2012. Each cell contains details of the win as well as it being colour coded to their country of origin. Thus Stephen Roache’s 1987 win (which sits in Cerium’s position on the original table – had to look that up. Sorry Mr Sharman) is a lovely shade of green.

If you really want to join the roster then you can personalise the print by having a cell removed and your name put in instead. Which is a bit like being someone working for the Anti Doping authorities….. “who’s legacy shall I erase today? Well hello Mr Basso….”

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// Donkey Label - Tool Roll              

If you are anything like me then the back pockets of your jersey will be like a cross between a branch of Halfords and the packed lunch of an obese child. For example the fat German kid Uter from the Simpsons.

So the idea of wrapping the tool portion of that mess is a great idea. Handmade in Minneapolis from tough denim the DL Tool Roll has got 5 interior pockets will take everything from a tyre lever to a multi tool and there is also an exterior pocket that will take your pump. You get a choice of 3 backgrounds to greet you when you unroll your wares like the dentist torturer in the Marathon Man, red, red/green/blue with a donkey on it or black which also features the aforementioned Burro

It measures 9” (23cm) in circumference when wrapped, comes with a tie strap on the outside to keep it all together and you can sling it from your saddle with a Binda strap if you don’t want to carry it.

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// Oakley - Heritage Collection              

The early 80s were a great time to do stuff. Drive fast, wear tight shorts and not worry about safe sex, but if you wanted performance eyewear then you, my chesty petrolhead with possible HiV, were out of luck.

Then in 1984, Oakley took the lenses out from a pair of goggles attached them to a frame and came up with the Eyeshades and the concept of sports specific sunglasses. 30 years on from that they have done a commemorative version of their favourite frames from back then.

These are the Razor Blades – a frame first launched in 1987 – and featured here cause they are more mainstream than the Eyeshades (although if you are prepared to pay more and can pull them off without looking like a tool then you become ruler of the known universe) and as they have made 10,000 pairs you are likely to get hold of some unlike the Eyeshades.

The Razors come in 3 colourways and are updated with new lens materials and nose piece along with retro detailing and the option in the box to have straight or trigger ear stems.

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// Hiplok D              

Locking your bike is an unavoidable part of the modern human existence and if you don’t want to frame mount a D lock then it can be either a pain in the ass or a pocket destroyer.

So let’s gaze gratefully at the Hiplok D which can be clipped onto your belt keeping the fine cut of those pants intact. And it being a “wearable” if you are now thinking that gun metal grey so doesn’t work with your outfit they come in a sartorially pleasing range of colours from cyan to, err, grey. Its a good size so should fit around most stems without being overly massive.

Security wise the locks have a 13mm hardened steel shackle with a hardened steel body casing and tough nylon outer shell. Also if you lose the 3 keys provided they have a coded key replacement scheme which is great for absent-minded morons like myself.

Its certified “Sold Secure Silver” which isn’t the top rating you can get but it is very good for this price. If you haven’t heard of it then Sold Secure is an independent organisation administered by the Master Locksmiths Association and most insurance companies now require a level of this for claiming.

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// Paceline - Chamois Butt'R              

For those that have seen Last Tango in Paris you will know that toast isn’t the only application for butter. If you haven’t seen Last Tango then just know that the film could also have been called “I can’t believe it’s not Vaseline”

So with this in mind, if you are in the market for something to soothe that moneymaker on long rides then Butt’r could be your new best friend.

Developed in 1988 by physical therapist and cyclist Steve Mathews, Butt’r has been a favourite for amateurs and professionals for years. Non greasy and made from high quality ingredients Butt’r is also paraben free, gluten free and contains no artificial colours or fragrances. Which is the minimum I expect from things I’m about to use to coat the “Road to Grimsby” with.

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// Galtani - The Champion Mitts              

Hands. Great for gesticulating, flipping off other road users and holding onto things. So when you are going to hold onto something, say some handlebars, then you want to do it with style and a lack of callouses.

Galtani is the pet project of Montrealer (Montrealian, Montrealite?) Garry Vickers who noticed a lack of well-made yet good looking gloves on the market that had a nod to cycling’s heritage. And here they are at a non-bum clenching price.

There are a number of different styles and colours but the Champions are the stand out, and come in white or black with a padded leather palm and handwoven cotton mesh upper decked out in the colours of the world champion.

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// doiy - Fixie Pizza Cutter              

Many things complement a fixed wheeled bike. A well kept beard, thick rimmed spectacles, a lack of socks.

So if you have your fellow hirsute sockless trendily myopic friends over for a night of gluten free pizza then you should also be able to slice that fairtrade bad boy in a way you all agree is in tune with your life choices.

Both wheels of the fixie cutter are super sharp discs to make sure you cut though the base as there is nothing more annoying than badly divided pizza. They are available in Bumblebee (black on Yellow) or Super-Camp, also known as Watermelon (mint on pink)

Beards not included.

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// Paniagua - EPO Coffee Perfect Shot Bundle              

So it’s been well documented that to go faster in professional cycling you could take something called Erythropoietin, also known as EPO. If you rode without any form of blood doping then the peleton called it Paniagua, which translates as bread and water. Meaning that you literally rode just on bread and water and not full of illegally gained red blood cells.

History lesson over, the guys at Paniagua have created a coffee called EPO just to fry a few minds. The coffee is an ethically sourced blend of Brazilian Daterra and Costa Rican beans from the Cafetalera Zamorana Estate. Here they honey process it to give it a sweeter taste to go with the notes of caramel and deep chocolate.

Strong enough to blow the padding out of your lycra if you drink too much, it should give you a boost out on your ride without meaning that you have to room with Lance in a Texan jail.

Available whole bean or ground and this pack comes with a shot glass branded with EPO on the front just so people know you aren’t to be messed with, until you over caffeinate and mess yourself that is.

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// Trotify              

Ever wish your bike sounded more like a horse? Well stop dream’n and start live’n.

The Trotify comes flat packed so you can break out your inner Ikea when it arrives, then wang on the coconuts, attach it to the front reflector mount and hey presto, you are The Lone Ranger. You just need a Tonto now.

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// POC - Octal Helmet              

Brains. They work so much better when they are inside your head so if you are gonna wear something to keep them that way then you might as well do it with a helmet that looks good.

POC are a swedish company with some different ideas about how something should look. The Octal helmet can be a bit of a polariser looks wise, as they have gone for less vents but of a bigger size. According to them this means that the airflow will be better across your head, keeping your noggin cool when you are getting a sweat on. It has extra protection at the temples and the back of the head and its monocoque constructing means that it weighs in under 200g.

If you put your glasses in your helmet then they have included an “eye garage” to keep them in place and you can get it in white, blue and red. Unless you ride for Garmin Sharp in which case you will get it in the team clouds as the Octal is their helmet of choice for this season.

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// Schwinn - CycleNav              

The only thing more annoying than being lost is when somebody at the end of your circuitous journey says something along the lines of “Awww man there was such a quicker route”. Once you have extricated that persons teeth from your fist you should then invest in a Cyclenav to make sure your next journey goes a little smoother.

Made by the venerable Schwinn, the Cyclenav is a cheap as chips handle bar mounted computer that will guide you to your destination using 3 flashing directional lights and “friendly” spoken commands. It comes with a free iOS and Android app which sends the route to the Cycle Nav via Bluetooth from your phone and has biking specific directions for anywhere in the USA along with Facebook integration.

With it retailing at $65 (about £36) and each charge lasting 10 hours there must be a drawback? Only thing I can think of other than the voice commands becoming a bit SatNag after a while is that it’s only available in America for the time being.

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// Purity Brewing Co - Saddle Black              

Its not a bike, nor a component nor something you can wear. So why is it on here? Because it’s a beer dedicated to cyclists. That’s why.

Brewed by the Purity Brewing company in the West Midlands it has been made as homage to the craft that goes into making bicycles and also to Pashley and Brooks who are long established brands in the area. Brooks will be doing a limited edition saddle to go with it, embossed with the Brewery’s logo.

So How does it taste? Well its a Full-Flavored hoppy black beer that is “brewed using smoked, chocolate and black malts and New World hops Chinook and Cascade. Together these create a well-rounded beer with aromas of citrus, chocolate and espresso”

More importantly it is 5.1%. Put that in your bidon.

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// 45NRTH - WÖLVHAMMER Cycling Boots              

Somewhere in-between eating overly hot pizza and child birth comes cold toes as the most uncomfortable feeling in the known universe.

So if you are perhaps commuting on the dark side of the moon, the Arctic Tundra or Barnsley in March then you will need something a little bit more rugged.

These beasts from 45Nrth (appropriately called the WÖLVHAMMER, which even when you read it in your head comes out as a loud noise), are possibly the warmest cycling boots in the history of wet tootsies.

Based on mountaineering boots and designed into cycling shoes rather then the other way round they have 200g Thinsulate on the forefoot and NASA-approved aerogel in the insole to block cold cleats. On the outside its 1000D CORDURA® and waterproof-breathable Sympatex to block moisture and manage perspiration. If you are cycling though deep snow (course you are!) then they have a hook on the toe which you can put those leg gaiter things onto and the Vibram Sole will take any SPD cleat you want.


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// Swiss Side - Franc Wheelset              

You may have an office job and cycle round the lanes of a weeknight evening, but inside all of us beats the heart of a West Coast Rapper, and for that we need sick rims.

Swiss Side is a direct-to-customer wheel builder set up by 2 guys with F1 and action sports engineering backgrounds. The Francs are the 2nd tier of their lineup working out about 40% less than you’d pay if they went though agents and dealers. The wheels are a low profile clincher that are “aerodynamic by design” and weigh in at 1,569g.

If you go for them you get a choice of Campag or Shimano free hubs, black rims with white spokes with a couple of red ones in for a bit of art deco contrast, QR Skewers, rim tape and a padded bag.

And if you still aren’t sold then they promise a “gold lined riding experience” which always seals a deal for me.

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// Charge - Scoop Saddle              

Saddles. A bad one can be a real pain in the ass (zing) and paying more doesn’t always mean that it will be like a leather club chair for your money maker.

Charge Bikes make a number of saddles including their best selling Spoon saddle. The Scoop has a lightweight foam pad with a durable and waterproof microfibre cover. It has a one piece moulded construction that means there is no stitching, so not only does it look super clean but it’ll keep you and your bottom happy for many miles. Which I guess is more important.

Spend a bit more and you get titanium rails instead of chromoly ones. Or you could save your money and not eat that slice of cake.

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// Garmin - Vector Pedals              

As soon as man had descended from the trees he realised the way to rule this brave new world was to have more graphs than anyone else.

800 million years later we arrive at the Garmin Vector pedals. Fixing in place of your existing pedals, the Vectors measure how hard you are pushing on both left and right leg and what your overall power output is.

Super simple to set up, they just work when you ride the bike, displaying your current power figure as 3,10 or 30 second rolling averages which is all transmitted via Ant+ to a compatible device. This means you can display in real time how much weaker you are than you thought you were.

As the sensors are mounted in the pedals, it means if you have a number of bikes in your shed (and of course you do) it is as easy as swapping the pedals if you want to transfer them between bikes.

All is recorded and can be uploaded to a Garmin type device or suitable website, so when you get home you can put the kettle on and view your ride power outputs in a number of glorious graphs, giving your partner yet another reason to leave you.

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// Aardvark Ankle biters              

Nothing looks as unsightly as a fine pair of trousers that are ragged and covered in grease. What are we – Mid 90s Nirvana fans?

So if you don’t have a trendy pair of jeans that have those prepared turn-ups on them or you are still rocking the baggier look then maybe you need a pair of these. 1 inch wide and a foot long they are brightly coloured 3M Scotchlite velcro straps.

And that’s it really. Cheap enough that you can have a pair in each colour to match your eyes. Red for hang overs, yellow if you have jaundice and blue if you live on Arrakis.

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// Sparse - Fixed Bike Lights              

If you are anything like me then you will constantly be forgetting something when you head out of the door. Spare inner tube, clean underpants or worse if you are coming back late, your lights.

The Sparse lights have been designed to be left in place and are now available after a successful Kickstarter campaign. Installed behind other components they are tamper proof, solid, sealed, won’t jostle and importantly are retina damagingly bright.

Made from cast metal rather than the usual flimsy plastic they come in 3 finishes – Matt black, brushed chrome and gloss white.

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// Brooks - Challenge Tool Bag Large              

So you have styled your hair, put on your trendiest skinny jeans, unfurled your best grin-scowl and mounted your exquisitely chosen and maintained bicycle….. to find the chain has snapped. The one thing that plebs like us have yet to find out is that however good you look, shit still happens. So what you need is something to keep some tools in and a spare inner tube that matches your fringe’s marvellousness, and this is it.

First designed and patented in 1896 by the fine leather wranglers at Brooks, this version of the challenge bag has triple the volume and can be mounted on the handlebars or the back of the seat. It has buckles for safety and comes in 4 types of leather – Honey, Brown, Black and Aged, which whilst sounding like the many stages of Michael Jacksons face mean you can match your footwear to your toolbag.

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// Scosche - boomBOTTLE              

Ever felt like you needed the sounds of Survivor’s ‘Eye of the Tiger’ whilst grinding up a cat 2 climb? No? Well maybe it’s time to with the boomBOTTLE, a wireless bluetooth speaker that fits into your bottle cage.

It’s weather proof, has a 33ft Bluetooth range, lasts for up to 10 hours on a charge and has a built in microphone so you can answer calls. Oh, the sound? Well it has a list of stuff that it does, including words like “dual 40mm drivers” and “passive subwoofer” which all basically mean it’s impressively loud and will having you climbing like a fully juiced up Lance Armstrong while you annoy everyone else with your UK Garage playlist as a bonus.

Unconfirmed and totally made up rumours are that the UCI will allow them for racing from next year.

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// Outline Works - Trophy : Bull Bicycle Holder              

Bikes cluttering the hallway is so 2007. What you need is your bike cluttering your walls. And if you are going to do that, you might as well pretend you have spent an afternoon on the savanna hunting the biggest steel male out there.

Designed and made in the UK, you get a choice of 2 finishes – either soft touch plastic or short fur and 4 colour choices which range from the bright to the bordering-on-camp bright.

So If you have a bike so good that you’d like to spend your evenings admiring it on the wall over a nice glass of sauvignon blanc, or merely need space to put the pram, then this could be the option for you. Art is like babies, so last season.

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